But seriously, I used to be so pumped about eating well and writing and sharing my adventures with you, internet world.
What happened?
Well.... laziness happened. Convenience of fast food happened. Depression reappeared. A lot happened. I don't want to give you excuses because I've been giving myself excuses for over a year.
I wrote the following in January, when I realized it had been a year since I'd posted here, and I truly had the intention to post it and get back into the swing of things that month. That obviously didn't happen, so here it is now:
To say “it’s been a while” since I’ve written here is a grave understatement. It’s been almost an entire year. Why haven’t I written? Why haven’t I updated you all on my diet, my life, how much weight I’ve lost?Because I haven’t lost any more. I gained everything back. It’s January 13, 2015 and I’m back to 184lbs. I haven’t done Sunday meal prep in months. In the past seven days alone, I’ve had Jimmy John’s, pizza, breadsticks, Chinese delivery, and Taco Bell. I’ve failed. I’ve fallen, hard.I just spent time re-reading everything I’ve written in this blog. I was so happy. I was funny (I think). I was having FUN. But I stopped cooking, and started making excuses.“Oh, I have to go out of town this week, I don’t want food to go bad.”“Oh, I’m really into this book, I don’t want to get up and go to the store.”“Oh, my mortgage payment and credit card bills were really high and I am too broke to go buy a bunch of health food.”These are all bullshit. I got lazy. I cheated one too many times and went back to my old comfortable ways.I’m mad now. I’ve been sad. I’ve been uncomfortable and I cried – no, I sobbed – before heading home for Thanksgiving because we did a family picture and needed to wear jeans and I didn’t have a single pair I could fit into. I bought newer, larger pants for work because those size 10s I loved and bragged about in my last entry (a year ago) no longer fit at all.Here’s things that happened in the last year that I haven’t shared here because I had nothing good to say about my diet (this blog is, after all, supposed to be about me getting healthy):1. I got a tattoo. The tattoo I’ve wanted for years and years but always felt I was too fat for because it’s huge and goes up and down my entire side. I never thought I could get this tattoo because I could never show it off. But last February, I felt good about my body and got the tattoo. I spent five total hours in a lot of pain because I wanted to be able to wear bikinis in the summer and show it off. But I wasted my money and time because I couldn’t show it off this summer. I wore a one-piece swimsuit once this summer - Fourth of July – and had shorts and a shirt on most of the day.
2. I bought a house. I bought a beautiful home in west Omaha with an enormous kitchen that I couldn’t wait to use to cook all of my new and healthy recipes in. I was exhausted and crammed trying to cook all my paleo and gluten-free meals in my tiny apartment kitchen. I bought a house and have wasted the space I’ve been given.
3. I had crushes on boys. It had been over a year since I’d felt good enough to attempt to put myself out there and try to date, or at least hook up. I joined a dating website and went on a date (which ended going nowhere, but that’s beside the point). I drunkenly attempted to seduce someone at a party (this also ended up going nowhere). In short, I equated my self-worth with my ability to get laid. This did not do me any good.Obviously quite a lot more happened in the last year. Good things. I got promoted. My mom beat cancer, again. These are things that deserve their own posts. It was, truly, a good year.But I can feel the depression creeping back. It tingles behind my eyes and presents itself as the desire to run home and curl up in a ball under a blanket where no one can see my double chin and bloated belly.
I learned long ago that depression is a sneaky bastard who won’t go away just because I try to be positive. I’m still on the meds I started two years ago. Maybe I’m growing immune. But I felt so much happier, healthier, and friendlier when I was eating well and taking care of my body. The proof is right there in all these posts from a year ago. Delilah even commented on one “Are you drunk? No – I think your brain is running on the correct chemicals and you are YOURSELF again. Seriously…Welcome back.”And I was. I was myself. I wasn’t hiding and avoiding going out with my friends, which I find myself doing now again, frequently. Val G, if you read this, I’m sorry I didn’t come out for your birthday. I had all the intentions to do so because you came to Omaha for mine. But the thought of having to wear too-tight jeans all night long and be around a lot of people felt crippling. That’s when I knew it was time to change. I’ve reverted back to my old, terrified self.So I’m here to say, I’m coming back. I’m going to do my best to get back on track. I’m going to do everything I can to get back to a regular schedule of Sunday meal preps, taking lunch to work, cutting out all the bad stuff and sticking to the good stuff. I need your support. Bear with me. I want to be happy again. I want to be ME again.Love.
So, there's that.
I mentioned there that the point of this blog is on my adventure to finding health and losing weight. And that is still something I need to focus on. However, in the last year and even more so in the last few months, I've realized that part of the reason I failed last time was because I was so focused on the losing weight part, and not so much on the health part.
This time around, I want to be focused on the health part. I'm not going to ever weigh 115 lbs again, I've said it before. I know this, and I need to really be okay with it. I put so much stock into how my weight defines my beauty and that simply isn't fair. I am allowed to feel pretty even when I am 184 lbs. But I need to feel healthy, and right now, I don't.
Because depression is a bastard who makes you feel like getting up and doing anything is basically the worst idea ever when you have a perfectly good couch and a functioning television, I had simply lost the desire to meal prep, cook, grocery shop, all of it. It was an exhausting process anyway: an hour to pick out recipes and make a grocery list from it. An hour or hour and a half at the grocery store, making sure I have everything I need. Four hours cooking and preparing and stowing away. And then four days later, being so sick of the 3 or 4 recipes I made, throwing away any remaining leftovers.
Waste of time, waste of money, waste of food. No good at all.
Enter my new best friend:
Evolve Paleo.
(See evolvepaleochef.com)
A coworker's girlfriend is a radio DJ and she did a broadcast at their grand opening, so they got a week's worth of free food. He brought some to work and this is how I found out about Evolve.
It's all paleo, gluten free, and sugar free food: a week's worth of snacks, sides, entrees and desserts. Pre-cooked and individually packaged, just ready to pop in a microwave and enjoy. The menu changes weekly. Make your order online by Thursday night, pick it up on Sunday. Well you can have it delivered but an extra bonus is Evolve is only about 5 blocks from my house. NICE.
Granted, it's not the cheapest option in the world. I did the 1-person weekly meal plan for two weeks, and wound up with more food than I could finish (6 packs of 2 paleo energy balls, 2 veggie snacks, 3 fruit snacks, trail mix, 5 breakfasts, 10 entrees, 3 salads, 4 desserts):
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| week 1 |
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| week 2 - had a few remainders from the week before |
So for my 3rd week (this week) I just ordered a la carte so I didn't have to choose as many sides/extras, etc. Saved me about $30 but I still have all my entrees.
I forget how filling REAL food actually is. The portions look so small but they are extremely filling. And delicious!!! These pictures may not look very appetizing but I promise they were all very yummy.
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| Maple Mustard Braised Beef Burger & Sweet Potato Fries. I could have eaten this every day. |
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| Corned beef for St. Patrick's Day! |
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| Pot Roast & Mac n Cheese I added just a touch of salt. |
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| Taco bake with cauliflower rice. I ate this with some quinoa & black bean chips. So yum. |
My hope is to utilize Evolve for a few weeks until the chemicals in my body get back to normal and stop hating me for all the processed, over salted, over cheesed crap I've been putting into it for the last 10 months. Then hopefully I'll be more motivated to try new recipes and get back to cooking on my own. And maybe get better at making smaller portions so I don't waste as much as I did before.
So.
That's about it, I think.
Here's a few pics just to highlight what's been going down in the last year.
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| Tattoo in progress. Many ouches, many tears. I'm not ashamed. |
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| Tattoo completed! 5 morning glories to represent Dad, Mom, Karen, Emily & myself. March 2014 |
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| I'M A HOMEOWNER! April 2014 |
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| I got a stupid sunburn!! V-neck polo, big sunglasses, thick watch. Sexxxxy June 2014 |
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| Ma & Pa came to visit and we enjoyed my new patio. July 2014 |
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| July 4th - I wanted to show off my tat but didn't feel good enough to bikini. This scandalous one-piece was my compromise. |
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| Davenport North HS Class of 2004 Reunion July 2014 |
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| Christmas happened. |
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| Enterprise Holiday Party. Didn't feel good about my arms this year so I went with mesh/lace long-sleeved dress. January 2015. |
Yeah ok that's all for now kids. I'll try to get better about posting weekly, but no promises yet.
Love y'all!
