The Beginning.

I imagine the people reading this already know who I am. But on the odd random chance that you don't, hi. I'm Laura. And this blog has been created so I can track my new exciting awesome journey to get healthy and lose weight at the same time.

BUT FIRST. A bit (read: a lot) of history:

My whole life growing up I was always fairly thin. I was in ballet, jazz, and tap since fourth grade and in showchoir all throughout high school. So while I was never exactly a gym rat (read: I f*king hate the gym) I was always in good shape and never thought twice about eating total and absolute crap day in and day out. I was 107 lbs when I graduated high school.

 
These two are of me on the day of my high school graduation.



Now, I want it to be said that I do NOT want to be 107 lbs again. I'm 5'7 and 27 years old. Gross. My friend Christine said it best, when you're 19 years old, you don't want to look like you're 12, so when you're 26 you shouldn't want to look like you're 19, right? RIGHT.

Moving forward.

Throughout my first few years of college I did gain the required "freshman 15ish" which was like 20 or so.... I don't really remember. But the last 2.5 years I stopped dancing as much and I ate a lot more. And age does weird things to your body, did you know this? KNOW THIS. So by college graduation I remember I was not super happy with how I suddenly looked in pictures.

This was a month after graduation, at my friend Morgan's wedding. I don't know how much I weighed because I hated weighing myself. Who doesn't?

That same month, I began my new job at Enterprise. Throughout the previous few years I had been dating a guy who I truly loved and enjoyed spending time with. However, he and I were not exactly outdoorsy and he hated the gym more than I did, and we both loved to eat junk food and drink an obscene amount of Mt. Dew while watching TV and not doing anything. After working at Enterprise for a few months, I was spending time with people who were real "self-starters" and very social butterflies, young professionals who were working hard and doing things for themselves. I broke up with my boyfriend, and while it was entirely one-sided, I felt such guilt that I fell into a guilt-diet. I just simply lost my appetite, and basically stopped eating. I lost 30 pounds within 2.5 months without trying AT. ALL. (I know. So unfair. What a bitch Past Laura was.)

The only time in my life I felt comfortable in a bikini. It was a wonderful feeling. I was like, LOOK AT MY AWESOME BODY EVERYONE SERIOUSLY OMGGGG. (Seriously, what a bitch.)

Fast forward a year or so. 

Settled down again with a new guy and fell into a similar routine. Eating out, ordering in, lots of TV and movies and beer. We both gained weight. But then something changed. He started working out and dieting. And I didn't. I didn't want to. I couldn't get excited about it. I wanted to, because I could tell he wanted me to, but I just for some reason couldn't. When we broke up, it was pretty tough. I'll spare the details because a lot of people reading this know him, but it was hard for me because I know that our difference in weight/workout habits played a huge part in it. And yet, even after we broke up, I couldn't change. I wanted to. I wanted to stop eating like I did after my last breakup and become the hot thin sex-kitten I was when he met me. 

Surprise! I went the opposite direction.  

Now, it's been two years since then, but the eating habits one forms when they fall into a depression are very, VERY hard to change. I also was in a work situation where I was working extra long hours (an hour-long commute to and from work on top of a 10 hour work day) and the desire to work out or cook anything remotely healthy were non-existant, to say the least. So fast food became my friend.

And in April of this year, I came to a very harsh realization. I was very, very, severely depressed, and a major part of that came from food addiction, weight gain, and exhaustion from an unhealthy diet.

I posted the following on an old (now-private/defunct) blog in April. It was my last post on that blog. You must know, it is hard for me to share this because it was exhausting to write. But it was a huge part of my journey, and it was truly the beginning of this adventure, even though it was five months ago. 

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I haven't posted here in months. Which is typical. I don't know where my excitement for writing went. Probably the same place my excitement for friends, family, exercise of any sort, socializing of any sort, went: out the door. Motivation for anything other than sitting on my couch and stuffing my face has been noticeably absent for months.

The pounds just kept piling on. I was snuggled happily up in my blanket of denial because I refused to weigh myself. I looked at the scale like it was covered in razorblades. It stared back at me, a blurred picture, I'm sure. Peering through all the dust up at my rolls of skin and the extra chin that decided to move in.

But clothes stopped fitting. My one pair of jeans that fit wore so thin in the thighs they started to tear. I had to unbutton my pants at work and hope no one noticed under my long shirt and layers of sweatshirts and coats with buttons popping off.

My anxiety in general I don't think had to do with the weight, or the food, at first. My terror at holding up a line at a Juice Stop or my teeth-grinding road rage or my crippling fear of flying.... these things were just panic-inducing on their own. But food certainly played a part as time wore on. It most definitely does now.

I stopped wanting to be around people, somewhere around six moths ago. My days were filled with anger ... at my life, at my job, the customers... The normal day-to-day drama that causes most people to sigh and roll their eyes caused me to google "Omaha Jobs" daily. All I looked -- no, all I LOOK forward to is my lunch break when I can go and hide alone and sit in my car to eat my sandwich and watch Netflix on my iPad. I can't even stand sitting in a restaurant because I fear the judgement of sitting alone, I panic at what people will think of me if I set my iPad up and plug in my headphones at Applebee's and start watching Law & Order while I eat my penne pasta. So all morning I look forward to that hour where I can hide completely alone in my car. And all afternoon I look forward to when I can drive home and strip off the too-tight pants and put on sweats and sit on my couch. All week I look forward to the weekend when I can literally spend the entire day in bed, save the two trips out for lunch and dinner, usually at somewhere like Burger King or Red Robin - of course getting any "sit-down" places to go so I can avoid human interaction.

My television has become my best friend. I can lose myself in seasons upon seasons of old TV shows and fantasize about the hot leading men and wish my life had some kind of meaning like those characters. Then I get up to change and I spot myself in the mirror and I see that second chin and that huge belly that makes me think I could get away with parking in the expectant mothers parking spot.

But my god the only thing I want to do is come home and eat. Those are my two most important goals every. Single. Day.  Get home, be alone. Eat. Eat Panda Express, Chipotle, China Buffett, Wendy's, Burger King, Arby's, whatever is on the way home because god forbid I take any extra time to get to my happy place (or more appropriately, my safe place, because I certainly can't call myself "happy"): my couch. My bed. My sweatpants and my bottle of wine and my precious "me time."

My best ERAC friend moved away. She got a wonderful promotion and I'm happy for her but I am so pissed that she is successful and beautiful and isn't so completely terrified of doing something new that she was able to up and leave. Leave Omaha, leave her sister. Leave me. I know in my heart it is selfish but I am just so jealous that she has the confidence to do that.

I cry all the time. I absolutely hate crying. I'm crying right now. I never used to cry. Rarely. It took A LOT to get tears to flow. Now? At least twice a week. Sometimes for completely nothing other than "my customers are complete assholes." Sometimes because my friends are all moving away or getting married and I am stuck in a position I shouldn't be in and I'm too afraid of change to do anything about it.

I cry because I am so jealous. Of everyone. Of my beautiful sisters. One who has found happiness and healthiness in clean eating and has become this tiny skinny athletically ripped version of herself and she is stunningly gorgeous. Both of my sisters are, don't take that the wrong way. My sisters are amazing. My other sister has gone through her own demons when it comes to food, but she has found the strength to fight her addiction and she actually likes to run and be active and she is DOING things to be healthier. I am jealous because I want to do those things. I want to WANT to change. But I don't know how. I am too lonely and afraid to be around people to ask for help. I joined a brand new and expensive gym just so I could take the night-time Zumba classes. I joined that gym a month and a half ago and I still haven't gone because I am just so terrified at the thought of being around those people. I don't want to be around anyone and I hate how I look in the mirror and I certainly don't want to watch myself attempt to dance when I look like this.

This is so hard to write and I am crying while I write because I am terrified anyone who reads this will think I am just trying for attention, to get pity and to be a complainer. But I promise I'm not.

I'm writing this because I'm finally trying to get help. I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I was prescribed antidepressants today. They may not kick in for another month but I just want to change. I want to be different. At the doctors office they weighed me and when I saw 178 I started crying right there in front of the nurse. I had no idea. I hate it.

I'm so embarrassed. I hate who I've become and I just don't want anyone to look at me. I assume everyone's assumption of me would generally be that I am fat, lazy, a terrible salesperson, but overall a very nice and friendly person to be around. So there's that, I guess.

Anyway I think that's it for now. I will try to write more often. Hopefully in a month.

***

Like I said, this was in April. The antidepressants are helping immensely. So...

THE STEPS FORWARD!!

So basically.... what has changed now? What made me decide to make the change, to do the diet, to make the commitment to a total life change? I'm not entirely sure. But a huge part of what's making it possible is the fact that now I've got this amazing new position at Enterprise with extremely lessened hours. It is the absolute perfect fit for me and I couldn't ask for a better job. I will be 100% less stressed and will have the energy to do things for ME and no more long commutes. I'm hoping to get a dog in the next month or so, which will be an automatic motivator for exercise, even a minimal amount would be at least two to three walks in the neighborhood per day, which is more than I'm getting now. 

My sister Karen has been eating clean for months and it's changed her life. She also lifts weights which I know is a huge part of her success. For me, I'm starting with the food first. Baby steps. I'll add in the additional exercise as I can, but I don't want to overload myself yet.

My friend Delilah has also been eating clean, along with eating a paleo/primal (based) diet since January. So Delilah came to town over Labor Day weekend and put me through Food Boot Camp. I'm now going to follow her footsteps in the Paleo/Primal-Inspired Diet. Basically what I understand so far is no grains, minimal dairy (thus the "inspired" part... true paleo is no dairy) and minimal ingredients in just about everything! The less ingredients, the better. I'm learning so much already. I've got books and research to do. 

I'm already a week in and feel amazing.

Tomorrow I will post all of the meals and recipes I've had this week, along with photos, but for now, I'm tired of typing.

If you actually read all of this, WOW. Seriously, I'm impressed. 

I hope some of you stick with me through this adventure and if you want to join me, I'll be more than glad to have you. :) Share your recipes, pics, etc. Follow me on Instagram @Lau3253. I'll be posting there as well in much shorter bursts!!

Last pictures. Me currently. 188 lbs as of September 2. My goal for now? Lose 30-35 lbs by Christmas. 

Later dudes!